Spending Cash and Calories …
Blog 41 – Spending Cash and Calories …On each blog Ms Paige tells a Porkie Pie and on this one that Limited Edition Rhyme & Reason is still going …
I’ve been in Purdah all Bank Holiday weekend, reading writers’ words and assessing their delightful stories. Words tend to come in on the second week of term for some unknown reason and I just siphon off the weekend and live in my pyjamas. Writers fret that the basic idea isn’t good enough, or the material they are writing isn’t right, or that the final product will be nothing like they had first envisaged and will all the time and money invested be worth it.
Master Plan is making my MOB (Mother of the Bride Outfit) and I’ve fretted – not knowing exactly how it’s going to pan out. He seems confident he can pull the threads together and I feel I am in safe sewing hands. I think the fabric is good, I had an idea of the design (something like Carole Middleton’s of course) and I’ve been putting shades together and seeing if they work. It isn’t how I had first envisaged it but I’ve learnt a lot on this journey: about me and about how something comes together. It’s taken time, money and I need to watch calories. I hope it will be worth it but at least Miss Trial will know I did my best and gave it thought.
That’s called Analogy.
Of course Miss Trial and I have had some good Sushi and Sauvignon Blanc along the way, just to lubricate Life. Once we’ve spent some cash and spared some calories in Low Fat Restaurants, she decides to take the train ride home when we sit up with her dad, Mr Justin Case and eat cheese and chocolate digestive biscuits. Last week I was teaching the next day so retired early, once again faint from the fitting. But then some two hours later both Miss Trial and Mr Justin Case burst into my bedroom falling, laughing on my bed and telling me how much they loved me or one another. I can’t remember which – I just said –“P*** off, I’ve got to get up and teach Free Indirect Speech tomorrow.” There’s dedication for you.
What a lovely lot of writers came to Children’s Writing at Iver last weekend and looking forward to ‘Write Beginnings’ this coming one at Missenden Abbey. Writers can come – no admission fee – to Tim AJ Cox’s talk on E-Publishing on Kindle on Thursday 31st May at the Fitzwilliams Centre, Beaconsfield at 11.00am as I’ve booked a larger room but please email me first.
Master Brylcream (Technical Director) and Miss Brylcream-in-Waiting – have a lovely wedding day next Saturday and I hope there’s a scent of confetti in the air which is Synaesthasia.
Spot the Synaesthesia
Blog 40 – Spot the Synaesthesia and get a back copy of ‘Rhyme & Reason’ as a prize … says Ms Paige Turner
It was Mr Justin Case who spotted that ‘CapeTownians’ should be spelt ‘Capetonians’. But he is one. He emailed me the answer – we carry on like this – day to day – emailing one another up and down the stairs. He wouldn’t fill in the answer in the blog box so he’s not getting a prize. I’m going to give the prize to West Coat writer, Dawn Rae – who said I wasn’t ‘showing off’ at Milnerton in March but lecturing on ‘Showing and Telling’ – those old chestnuts.
Now for some showing off: Creative Ink classes are now full with waiting lists for a ‘free taster’. If a present Creative Inker is absent you can come ‘free taste’ so email me.
This reminds me. I’m still suffering from Capetonian mozzie bites. I swear when I arrive at Cape Town airport they shout, “Okay, boys, she’s back. Lunch.”
Humour and Comedy workshop at Millbrook, High Wycombe is coming up on Saturday 6th May with ‘Write Beginnings’ close on its heels at Missenden Abbey on Saturday 12th May – places available. You get a great lunch at Missenden Abbey.
Also bubbling away – Patricia Sentinella’s Dear John, Dear Anyone collection of poetry and short stories will soon be available via E-Publishing on Kindle as Mr Red Hat gets us into gear so more news on that soon.
Everyone is getting married or having babies. Master Brylcream – our technical director on the ‘Dear John’ film is marrying his lovely Mrs Brylcream-in-Waiting and Miss Trial and Master Mind are marrying within weeks. Even Ms Tea Tree Oil is getting married and so what will I call them all? Their names are so neat. Master Nephew is having twins and I’m snowed under with confetti. Its scent is in the air …
As is the scent of pride on hearing that our daughter, Miss Trial, gained Tenancy at her chambers last week which means that now, after seven years of training, she has a permanent post and job. The morning following the news I asked her, “No pressure, but when do you take Silk?”
Cape Townians: Masters of the Under and Over Statement …
Blog 39 – Cape Townians: Masters of the Under and Overstatement …Ms Paige Turner tells an intentional fib on each blog. Be the first to spot and submit and win a Flash Fiction assessment (up to 250 words).
I’ve just returned from Cape Town where the sun scorches but the natives stare up at the cloudy sky (a wisp of white on blue) and say, “Winter is coming”. The shops are filled with faux fur: Cape Townians embrace their coming season being fed up to the back teeth, as my mother would say, with the sun. Ah …I try to see as many people as possible and quickly when I get back to the UK as I work so hard on my tan but like the sun, it disappears without notice.
In between the tanning work I covered ‘Common Crimes and How we all Commit Them’ with the lovely Fish Hoek Scribblers and then I was off to Milnerton and the West Coast Writers for a session on ‘Showing Off’ with Muriel Spark.
I’m a ‘swallow’: perfectly clear to the Cape Townians as a swallow migrates south in the European winter, but we only go for a month at a time and I do some work when I am down there. So you could say I’m a working swallow. See my ‘Swallow’s Eye View’ on www.scenicsouth.co.za It’s about chocolate this month for Easter but next month I’ll be covering my visits to the Desmond Tutu HIV Youth Foundation and the theatrical work that Earl Mentor and Thando Silo have been doing with the Marhoshi (The Kings) group. I hope to get involved with this drama work on my next visit.
I’ll leave you with some clever Cape Townians ‘understatements’. On a visit to a game reserve a truck load of us were faced with a buffalo I swear was going to charge and destroy the vehicle. He was mean: I was terrified. There were intakes of breath. Not a sound could be heard except for a snort and paw of the African earth. And then suddenly this South African woman pipes up, “He looks a bit short tempered, doesn’t he?”
Ah. You had to be there.
But the prize for understatement has to go to Mr Justin Case. Having spent an entire weekend in Fish Hoek with the patently obvious Scouse John Moore (one of my three blog readers) and his lovely partner, Mr Justin Case pipes up with, “Have you ever been to Liverpool, John?”
Thus followed much mirth and Merlot and Beatles’ refrains. Happy Easter.
• Just one place left on the Tuesday morning ‘Get Inspired’ summer course beginning April 24th for seven weeks.
• Writing Magazine is featuring my Home Tutorial work this month along with my ’40 Ways to Kick Start Your Writing Day’.
Change of Seasons and Flip Sides
Blog 38 – Change of Seasons and Flip Sides …
White Rhino in Winter
And suddenly … clamped on road side,
zooless – but ours for the viewing,
prehistoric pedestrian – pavement slab for hide,
blank blinkers stare seemingly – at nothing.
Handicapped horn bent towards winter earth,
the haunting whisper of captivated guide,
“She carried two calves for fourteen months,
- she lost them last week to a pride.”
Mother’s eyes on sun drenched winter evening.
Weighted monument in mourning.
Now that Mothering Sunday has just passed us by and British Summer Time begins, I am reminded of flip sides: not all mothers have their children sending love on any days and for some winter will be upon them soon. Hence, here is my poem, written whilst on a trip to the Kruger National Park and inspired by a guide who saw a beauty in a creature that others might find elusive. It is published in Gill Hartley’s Aspects of Grief published by Moorleys All profits and Royalties donated to The Compassionate Friends. www.gillhartley.com With p & p this works out at £10. 50 for a signed copy if required.
The word ‘poem’ comes from the Greek translation ‘workmanship’. The poems which get written in our ‘Get Inspired’ Tuesday morning Creative Ink classes are sculpted by inspiration and perspiration. Gill Hartley has been attending Tuesday Creative Ink classes for some years. At time of writing I have just one place left on this course beginning Tuesday April 24th for seven weeks.
Di Morrish, a Tuesday Creative Inker spotted last bi-month’s porkie pie: John Moore’s story of those lying Cretans is not paradoxical conceit and Di will be receiving three free handout sheets of her choice. But as an existing Creative Inker she has access to all my handout sheets anyway.
No fibs this month as I am on the go … News of this next bi-month.
Managing Expectations
Blog 37 – Managing Expectations …Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Be the first to spot it this bi-month and you win yourself three free handout sheets of your choice …
‘Managing Expectations’: now that’s a quirky little phrase which has recently popped out of mouths, isn’t it?
Miss Trial told me that as a mother, I have ‘Great Expectations’. When one’s expectations exceed the reality then one faces huge disappointments, whether that be who you have assumed will accept a wedding invitation or who you assume will buy your newly published book. If they don’t you can find yourself in ‘Disappointment Land’.
Cosmetic surgeons and beauty therapists talk about ‘managing expectations’ or not having too great expectations for one’s age or lifestyle.
I spoke to Master Sound Advice on this topic of ‘expectations’ and he said that it was best to ‘under promise’ and ‘over deliver’. This way expectations will not overtake reality.
It may seem as though I am switching the subject here – but be patient and you will not be disappointed – for I was telling the truth on my last blog when I said that I never fib on St Valentine’s Day even though the illustrious John Moore said that I may have fibbed and he quoted a Cretan who said, “All Cretans lie, and as I am a Cretan is that a lie?”
Well, I’ll tell you what is. It’s something called ‘paradoxical conceit’ as in Shakespeare’s love sonnet: Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. The last line is: If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ and no man ever loved. It’s conceited as the narrator is saying he can’t be wrong. Similar to his famous words ‘I do believe her though I know she lies …’
Well, let me finish off in a circular fashion. Anyone who tells you that they are in the business of ‘managing expectations’ is probably telling a porkie pie.
Caroline Francis spotted that it wasn’t Easterkerke Church but Westerkerke Church in Amsterdam and she gets three handout sheets of her choice and if she carries on being the first to spot the fib she may be ascending to the heights of a Creative Ink scholarship.
Creative Ink Summer Thursday’ Get that Book’ Course is now full and one place left on Tuesday ‘Get Inspired’.
Empty Nest Syndrome, Menopause and Other Myths …
Blog 36 – Empty Nest Syndrome, Menopause and other Myths …Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Be the first to spot it and this week three handout sheets of your choice will be yours. Rush …
I’ve spent the day with Miss Tea Tree Oil, waxing hysterical and watching my toe nails dry. I’ve deserved it; been working hard but loved it. Thursday ‘Get that Book out of You’ for the summer is full with a waiting list and Tuesdays ‘Get Inspired’ has two places left as of today. So do email me if you’d like to take one up. I’m getting to grips with E-publishing at present and hoping Mr Red Hat who manages my website will point the way.
I spent a wonderful last Sunday with Mr Red Hat and his lovely husband who have been organising the gay film festival at the Riverside Studios www.riversidestudios.co.uk Mr Justin Case, Miss Trial, Master Mind and I went to see Tennessee Williams’ Suddenly Last Summer. According to Mr Red Hat, Williams was so appalled by this splendid film starring the stunning Elizabeth Taylor in a swim hat that must have sold trillions that he spat at the director at the end of filming. I said maybe it was the intrusive comma in the billed title Suddenly, Last Summer which may have enflamed the playwright’s anger for what was that comma doing there but everyone was just too busy talking about weddings. Mr Red Hat and his Guy had the most superlative wedding in the Easterkerk Church, Amsterdam and I said the next time they would see my daughter would be in a wedding dress.
Thus on that instant suddenly was I seized with the notion of the passage of time and a hot flush in the Riverside Studios’ restaurant over some salami. No-one noticed. No-one ever does. But here is what I want to say about the myth of the Empty Nest Syndrome and The Menopause. They are supposed to pass. But let me tell you – they don’t. They are both as intrusive as that erring comma in the billed title Suddenly, Last Summer. And they never go away. The waves of nostalgia and flush flow and ebb but never fade away. Both are with you for good, as if you haven’t had children you must have had a hamster or something. Suddenly Last Summer is full of birds and this one is getting older.
But strangely, as I do grow older, and yes, indeed, I am, just as even the stunning Liz Taylor did, I’m having the time of my life …
There was no porkie pie in last St. Valentine’s Day posting as stated.
Three Little Words …
Blog 35 – Ms Paige Turner never fibs on Valentine’s Day …
Three Little Words …
Easy to love
In darkened rooms
On damp afternoons
When lamplights beat
On seal-wet streets
With eyes that meet
Over the rims of time
Deep in the soul of red, red wine.
Not easy to love
On soggy mornings
With red bill warnings
Fluorescent bare
Dull eyes stare
With urgent need to read
The fascinating narrative
On the All Bran packet.
But I do.
Creative Ink for Writers classes start up again the week beginning
Tuesday 24th (Get Inspired) and Thursday 26th (Get that Book) April at the Fitzwilliams Centre. Free tasters for the next two weeks – email me.
John Moore is delighted to win three free poem assessments for spotting that there’s plenty in my house that is younger than 16 years.
‘Write Beginners’ at Missenden Abbey this last weekend – you were peaches. Looking forward to those of you who are free tasting.
Future Proofed
Blog 34 – Future Proofed – Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog. Be the first to spot it and this bi-month you will get up to three poems assessed free.
Our TV is sixteen years old. Everything in our house is sixteen years old except for me and Mr Justin Case.
We thought we should invest in a flat screen TV: the present one lives in one of those expensive wooden boxes designed when TVs should be unseen and anyway our aerial has gone squiff with the recent winds so there we were with Mr TV man.
As you can imagine Mr Justin Case has been researching TVs for the past year and he knew exactly which model he wanted until we met Mr TV man who told us that 3D was what we wanted as it was Future Proofed.
This is a new little phrase to me and put me in mind of when I went for my wedding outfit fitting for Miss Trial and Master Mind’s forthcoming nuptials. That evening Miss Trial and her dad – Mr Justin Case – had the luxury of sitting up until the early hours – I had long retired, faint from my fitting and the ensuing cost of that and the Sushi I had subsequently shared with my daughter. However, the next morning, Miss Trial said, “Dad decided to have his wedding day chat with me last night.”
“Oh,” I said, lifting my head from a writer’s chapter 1. “Yes, he wanted to make sure I wanted to marry Master Mind.” Then she swept her hair back with her left hand and sparkling engagement ring and said, “You know Dad. ‘Just in case – rather now than later – before the wedding reception needs to be paid for’.”
I gave her a look of utter horror and said, “What on earth did you say?”
“Oh, don’t panic,” she said. “I told him there was no backing out. I told him you’ve already paid the deposit for your very expensive wedding outfit.”
I sighed with relief. That’s my family. Future proofed.
The TV man phoned at that point to arrange delivery of the 3D Panasonic. Then I had a thought. What if the ‘Dear John’ film becomes transposed to 3D in the future? I – or descendants – could see all dimensions of this old crab here …
Caroline Francis won her second free taster on a Tuesday Creative Ink session for spotting that it’s Rigby and Peller. No-one suggested I couldn’t possibly be a size 14.
Anyone can come to a free taster on a Tuesdays – please book – or Thursdays which has a waiting list but sometimes writers are absent so try.
NB Porkie Pie winners must take up the prize within three months.
Blog 33 – Visiting the Underworld or The Importance of Tight Foundations …
Blog 33 – Visiting the Underworld – or the Importance of Tight Foundations …Ms Paige Turner tells a porkie pie on each blog – you can win a Creative Ink free taster session on a Tuesday – Tuesday writers exempting …if you guess correctly …
When I saw some of the Bull Rushes of the forthcoming Creative Ink film: Dear John, Dear Anyone …’ I said to Master Brylcream (our technical director), “Who is that old crab who looks as though she has crawled from under the sea bed?”
“Oh, Jan,” Master Brylcream sighed, eating one of my cocktail sausages, “it’s the way I light you. You’re a character actress and Emma did so well to create your wrinkles.”
How sweet is that? (I notice the young ones start their sentences with this word ‘how’.)
I had a similar experience at Rigby and Pelman’s who sell the Queen her brassieres. I bought three of the latter. It’s a new experience for me as I usually buy brassieres in South Africa’s Woolworths who sell them to me for 20 Rand (two quid) if they can’t find the price tag. Anyhow, I’m off piste. I decided to buy two swim suits in the sale as it was, ‘Buy one at half price and get the second free’. How what a bargain is that, I asked Mr Justin Case who rolled his eyes upward.
Anyway, Rowan said to me, “Are you a size ten?” Actually, at this point her eyes did slip downward to my ample hips. I laughed. “I think you had better fetch me a size 12,” I said. Ha, ha, ha. And so she did – with a cup of coffee., which Miss Trial, my daughter, proceeded to drink. She’d had a hard day in front of the jury who was out. You don’t get that kind of coffee service in SA’s Woolies. Well, the size 12s didn’t fit me but I got a great deal on two size 14s and I’ve just returned from having a good swim in one of them. It just goes to show the Importance of Tight Foundations – which was the title of my first blog. It’s such a relief to get back to where I started.
Flashback to the Bull Rushes. My future son-in-law, Master Mind looked wonderful. He was chosen for the part as a result of his utter look of confusion. It helped that he was having to react to me as Master Mind does sometimes look at me with utter confusion so well. I said, “My future son-in-law is so good looking.”
“Yes,” Master Brylcream said. “He is. He is very good looking indeed.” And then after another cocktail sausage, Master Brylcream said, “Of course it’s the way I light him.”
Creative Ink for Writers’ Book class on a Thursday morning has a waiting list but there are two places left on Tuesday’s Get Inspired – so anyone can come to a free taster if you check with Paige Turner first.
Rushing to Give a Sausage…
Blog 32 – Rushing to Give a Sausage …
Just before New Year I met Mr Double Cream from Uxbridge lurking around the Party Packages in Waitrose, Beaconsfield. I was tossing up as to get a Bumper Pack of Cocktail Sausages or get the all inclusive Sausage Rolls and Chapatis as well, which he thought prudent. I was bemoaning the fact that I had eight house guests for the New Year and ‘Dear John’ Production Team cocktails ahead of me – and I was exhausted already, having spent two hours in Waitrose and not a mince pie in sight. They had sold out. “Do we need any more sausages at this point?” I asked Mr Double Cream.
He was non-committal. His answer to guests who come staggered and in droves, was to pop out for some ‘salad’.
Having said all this – and what a mouthful it has been – there are no more delightful guests than Mrs Carrie Oakey and Husb and daughter, Miss Nancy Oakey – so called as they are Karaoke aficionados. A bit like The Borrowers Afield family as they copy celebs’ musical perfs beautifully. Mr Justin Case’s answer to this is to clear the 1980’s Hostess (plate and meat warmer) my mother gave to us as a wedding present which sits in the new kitchen extension and turn it into a Music Centre – as he loves a good old knees up, mostly to the Four Seasons.
Whoops – there’s the theme for the Rhyme & Reason comp this year: Seasons. You see, I can’t help myself tripping up on the old metafiction.
Anyway, the Hostess cum Music Centre was transposed into a Production Centre when Master Brylcream and his lovely wife-to -be turned up with the Bull Rushes of the ‘Dear John’ film. The Oakey family and the production team watched 15 minutes from 15 hours’ worth of filming in the autumn on the Hostess Laptop Production Centre and I have to confess to a little more than a rush of adrenalin to my head.
Plenty of that coming up in the New Year with Creative Ink classes starting next Tuesday 10th (Get Inspired) and Thursday 12th (Get that Book). Both courses are running and some places still left but only one seat left on the Book Course.
Well, who needs a Hostess to serve up cocktail sausages? And how lucky am I to have such good friends to see in the New Year?
PS. Ms Paige Turner will be back with Porkie Pie competition next bi-month. She’s tired.
